Cosmic Love
What if your primal instinct was to fight, and every time you felt hurt or scared you resisted? What if this too, was considered trauma?
If in my body lives the energy of wanting to fight, then out of my body- I must fight. Otherwise, resist myself the honor of letting go. I could instead, offer myself a dance, gracefully karate kicking some one in the head. Or even, flip myself around like a kungfu artist in swift high barrel roll. Visualizing the piece in my mind is fun, and this perceptive is offering me a whole new twist.
Of course, I am curious about the ways trauma and energy is stored in the body. In fact, I’m working on taking you through a little journey-
In my body, I carry with me an exuberant amount of energy. Like, stress. Only- its wrapped around trust, rather than fear.
I trust my body. I trust my sensations. I trust this feeling of wanting to attack.
I never fear I would do this out of turn or, without the need to protect myself- and then again, I have been hurt many times and still- I’ve resisted. Stemming between life and death, I believe in the story of the boy who cried wolf. I also believe I missed my chance.
Somewhere inside of me, I have to come to terms with this. A true warrior knows when to strike. This warrior, meaning me- missed her moment in the fight. My chance came and went, and here I am left standing. Now I must accept the fate from this side of the sword, where I must lay down my bares and speak from my heart- I’m sorry. I should have fought for you.
I should have taking you and threw you to the ground. I should have jumped on your arms and held down your hands, to pin you. Instead, I let you go. In the moment, I believed you were past the point of no return, and I was afraid of what might happen. Everything in my being wanted to stop you- then, I stopped myself.
This is my trauma.
My eyes can see it all over again. I have let go of all that. But, this pain in my heart, I might carry with in me forever, to remind myself of when-
In this moment, I grieve. I grieve for the chance I didn’t take. I grieve for not accepting the battle. I grieve for letting myself give up. I gave up too, and I’m sorry my friend. I’m sorry my lover. I’m sorry my beloved childrens father. I’m sorry for letting you go. I’m sorry for not fighting.
Inside myself then, I was exhausted. The excuses could be endless, and today- these excuses are my lessons. These tears are my worth. This blood I bleed, I bleed still for you. On to this earth, I give myself away to you. I prey to you. I feel you. These ashes I carry, I carry for you the weight of our terms. Connected forever my love, I love you. I love you.
Big wish in. I wish for this pain to be transformed. I wish for this pain to stop here. I wish for health and love for the future. I wish for steady endurance. I can do this! Another sip of air! Hold in, let go. Blow.
If I were sitting in front of a birthday cake, with 3547 lit candles, all those candles would be blown. Perhaps one day, this might happen. For today, I offer you this-
Today I will play with our son, out in the garden. The mediation moon hut is ready for a roof. Together, we will weave it. While we gather the sticks, I will remind him of the time-
Just then, I felt a warmth of a glow on my forehead. I paused. A moment later, I looked to my phone. It’s 11:14am.
With all my love, I’ll go hug him now to remind him he still loves you. Somewhere in his heart, this is true. And somewhere outside this, he has to feel it- the love from you. I am only so big. I can only do so much. Its you, he’s missing. It’s you.
Meditation Moon Hut
